Friday, December 31, 2010


Hi, everyone! I've been a bit remiss in both my postings to this blog and commenting at all of yours, which I blame on a combination of frustration, anger, sadness, resignation, and just plain being busy with the holidays. Please bear with me, I'll get back on track!

Speaking of commenting, there are some of you, Karin, April, Cyrsti, Kelli Roberts, among others, who still have your comment section set to Blogger's default, which is incompatible with my system, and I'd love to stop by.

While we're still on the subject of blog posts and comments, I've got something that I've really got to get off my chest. As a socially liberal constitutional conservative libertarian who is an independet agnostic wicca buddhist nazarene pastafarian, I understand that I'm never going to have complete agreement with me from everyone all the time, and I accept that. I feel that disagreement and discussion is healthy and productive as long as it's not taken to the extreme of dehumanizing those who you disagree with. Deliberately and maliciously misgendering someone, whether it's Autumn Sandeen, Aria Blue, Jamiegottagun, June Hingle, or anyone else is unacceptable from anyone, especially when it comes from people who have a high profile in the community and should know better! We're better than that, or at least we should be!

Dani xxx

Friday, December 24, 2010


96 years ago, almost to the day, on Dec. 25, 1914, the machines of war fell silent on the western front as the armies of both sides of what we know of as World War 1, both German and Anglo-French, pulled themselves from the frozen muck, mud, and blood of the trenches and met each other in no-man's land in mirth and merryment, singing carols and exchanging gifts, in celebration of the birth of a very wise man who said

''But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those that hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.''
Luke 6:27-28

Perhaps those who are engaged in the bloody, and not-so bloody, conflicts of today could take those words and the example of those soldiers from nearly a century ago to heart.
Maybe the guns, both literal and metaphorical, can fall silent in spontanious acts of random kindness. Who knows, maybe it could even become a trend that carries over into the other 364 days of the year. Miracles can happen.

I, and my family, wish all of you and your's a very Happy Holidays!

Merry Yule, a bit late!

Happy Hanukkah, a lot late!

Happy Kwaanza!

Nollaig Shona Dhaoiba, Froelich Weinachten, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas!

Dani xxx

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Okay, I probably should've done this a long time ago.

The views and opinions expressed by commentors on this blog do not necissairily express or reflect the views and opinions of the author of this blog unless otherwise noted, ie: I answer and agree with your comment.

I am the sort of person who tries to hear both sides of an arguement, then make my own judgement. This helps me define and adjust my own views on various issues, it may be that someone makes a point that I hadn't thought of before. I'm sure that many of you do the same.

For that reason, I have, thus far, not moderated comments here, and am reluctant to do so. I'm endevoring to provide an open forum here as I feel that most helpful to myself and to you, dear readers. This, however, could change if I decide that things are getting too out of hand.

I feel that moderating comments, or disabling the comment option entirely, would harm the usefullness of this blog to me, and to all of you, but this option is open to me, as is making my blog private, and I'll exercise these options if I decide that it's become necissary.

Dani xxx

Monday, December 20, 2010

Mental Diarrhea

This post began as an answer to Melissa's comments on my previous post but it grew...and grew...and grew, so I thought that I'd devote an entire post to it.

The votes for ENDA probably weren't there, but I'd feel a lot less bitter with Barney ''Uncle Tom'' Frank and the rest of the dems if they at least made it appear that they fought the good fight, but they don't even attempt that. Trans gets thrown under the bus every single time, for DADT, for their precious marriage, or whatever the hot cause of the day is for the gay community, while we don't even have the right not to be fired from our jobs or thrown out of our homes, the most basic of rights, just for being trans. I'd realy like to support the dems but until their deeds and actions match their words they're not giving me much reason to. Their failure to deliver on ENDA has at least as much, and maybe more, to do with them looking for political cover as it does with the weird procedural rules of the Senate. One can hardly imagine the civil rights giants of the 60's failing to show courage to act in the face of almost overwelming opposition to racial equality. Today's dems can't even hold a candle to those couragous men and women. RFK must be rolling in his grave!

Repeal of DADT IS good news, I'm just afraid of the unintended and possibly disasterous consequences of the repeal. When the military was desegregated back in the 50's Truman already had the draft, so racist soldiers had no choice but to get over it unless they wanted to face a court martial or dodge the draft. That's not the the situation that we have today. Today, people can choose to enlist or re-enlist... or choose not to. Estimates are that we could loose 25-30 percent of our current service members when DADT is repealed, they just won't re-up. This figure is probably higher among potential recruits, who may never join to begin with. Losing 30 percent without replacement when we're already streached thin with the Afghan war, Iraq, and our other commitments around the world, and the looming probability of military confrontation with North Korea AND Iran is unacceptable. If the draft has to be reinstated to make up for losses you can be sure that the GOP will blame the GLBT for it. That would probably be enough to stall future GLBT legislation and could lead to a lot of Matthew Shepards.

Many have compaired DADT repeal with military desegregation in the 50's but it's not quite the same. I'm sorry, it's just not. We're talking about a whole different dynamic here. For obvious reasons, no one would think that being Black is a choice. Now I know, as do most of you, that being gay, lesbian, or trans isn't a choice, either, but not everyone sees it that way. Many people, and not just homophobes and transphobes, but also some tolerant and otherwise enlightened people, see being G,L,B, or T as a lifestyle choice. The education level just isn't there yet and it'll probably take another generation to turn this preception.

Dani xxx

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Now, the bad news

Okay, the Senate has passed DADT repeal 63 to 33 and Obama is anxiously waiting to sign it, yada, yada, yada.


Don't misunderstand me, this is truly great news for gay and lesbian members of our armed forces, who have been living under a cloud for far too long.

Now, the bad news.

That's all it is. No protection for trans service members, who will continue to suffer as they always have. No trans inclusive ENDA, either. Zero. Zilch. Goose eggs. Nada. Nothing for trans equality at even the most basic and fundemental level after 4 years of dem controled congress because useless POS's like Barney Frank, who are our ''allies'' are only too ready to sell us down the friggin' river at a moment's notice if there's any hint of them being given membership in the ''normal'' club. We keep hearing ''Don't worry, we'll come back for you'' from our gay and lesbian ''allies''. BULLSHIT! Don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen! They told us that here in NH, just before they got marriage equality, then they fell dead silent as trans equality lost unanimously in a dem controled state senate!

In the great scheme of things, this repeal may cause more harm than good. The general public, already pivoting to the right, as we saw in Nov., is apt to be pushed even further there now. In the inevidable backlash, future legislative gains for GLBT, already made difficult at best, may now be impossible to achieve in our lifetime.

I'm not too sure that our military is the place to be experimenting with social engineering, anyway. We have a volunteer military, they CHOOSE to serve. It takes a sort of patriotisim that is largely confinded to those from rather conservative segments of our society to be willing to pick up a gun and blow people away for love of God and country. The vast majority may not be willing to serve with openly gay members. Retention and recruitment could become a very, very big problem very, very quickly. If the cost of DADT repeal turns out to be a return to the draft, then the price was too high.

Dani xxx

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Did ya miss me?

Hi, everyone, it's been awhile! I hope that I haven't lost any of you!

Thanks to my ongoing financial difficulties I have been unable to get online for the last month or so but now, for the moment anyway, normal transmissions have been restored. I hope that you have all been doing well and that you had a happy Thanksgiving. I am SO far behind on your blogs that it's not even funny, I'll be days catching up!

Nothing new or positive to report on the job hunting front, and in a small town, with no car, with national unemployment numbers hovering near 10 percent, that's not apt to change anytime soon. Since I also have two hernias that need to be repaired that lowers my odds even more. As much as I hate to, I think that I'm going to have to go and get some help to pay for that surgery. That may be just as well, though, maybe it'll cover therapy, too. The disphoria continues unabated and my depression and anxiety are getting worse. I rarely even go out anymore, I just sit around in the house. I need help!

Anyway, I'm back! I'll probably be sending out some emails in the next few days.

Dani xxx

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Blue Skying

Sometimes, when I'm just sitting around not really doing anything but thinking, I wonder just exactly WHY am I transgender, what causes this condition. I know that while these thoughts are not productive, in and of themselves, and that they certainly won't change who and what I am, even if I wanted to, I sometimes come up with theories that may explain why some people are born this way. Now if I, a high school educated, unemployed construction worker, can come up with these theories, then surely a whole host of people with half a dozen PhD's and a string of letters behind their names must be recieving millions in grant money to study this, but, unless I'm not looking in the right place, I'm just not finding much research into the causes of GID.

I wonder if this apparent lack of research is for political and religious reasons. I have a pretty dim view of the government and it's my belief that their standard operating procedure is to keep information from the public that, in their opinion, would radically disturb the status quo. They're hidden deeper in the closet than some of us are! Organized religion would want such revelations kept secret as well, as the truth could shake their long held beliefs to the core. It's not too hard for me to believe that both church and state would go out of their way to keep any verifiable cause of GID a secret.

Imagine, if you will, the political and social chaos that would ensue if it were determined beyond any doubt that GID was a genetic condition and that suddenly governments had to give us our rights, as they were finally forced to for other minorities, and that legal discrimination was no longer acceptable. Imagine the conservative Christians, who have been taught to hate what they don't understand, suddenly being faced with Liviticus being tossed out the window just as Genisis has been. Imagine the financial cost if suddenly insurance companies were forced to pay for the procedures that they presently deny coverage for, it could run into the millions. Imagine the hundreds of millions of dollars that the chemical companies would have to pay out in massiue class action lawsuits around the world if it was determined that one of their wonderful, harmless food colorings or pesticides was a cause of GID.

Still, information does manage to escape their watchful eyes from time to time, however inconclusive that information may be. The link between DES and GID is one of those pieces of research that somehow escaped the censors. This potential cause is close to home for me, as I feel that it's likely that my mother took DES. I also think that there's likely a link between GID and all the chemicals that have been dumped into the enviorment and injected into our food for the last 60 some odd years. In recent years I have seen more cases of ADD, ADHD, Autisim, and other conditions than I can recall seeing back in the 70's and 80's, it's not a far stretch to connect those conditions and GID with chemicals. The realy big cause, though, I believe, is genetic predisposition, and this is the cause that's most likely to let the genie out of the bottle. I think that the area of the brain that controls both gender and sexual attraction are in the same sectim of the brain and that gender variance and same sex attraction are more likely to occure among individuals in certain families, meaning that if you have one or more family members who are gay, you are more likely to be transsexual, and vice versa.

Just some theories from a high school educated, unemployed construction worker& mind you. What do you think?

Dani xxx

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Stuck in the mud

Hi, everyone! so what's new with me? To be honest, not much. My life, in general, sucks, it's going absolutely nowhere. It's kind of like being stuck in the mud, nothing's moving forward, nothing's going backwards, the tires are just spining.

No breaks yet on the job hunting front, more applications submited but the phone sits stubbornly silent. I'd really like to find a job that I could transition at but at this point anything that will pay the bills will do. If I need to change jobs later on down the road when I go full time so be it, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Financially, we're still holding on by a thread with what little money is coming in and we're constantly dead broke. Tax refund time can't get here soon enough, even though it's already spoken for. On top of everything else. we need a new car, something else to make job hunting that much harder.

The situation with the wife remains the same, nothing negative but no positive moves forward, either. In fact, my transition still isn't even a subject for conversation at the moment, nor should it be, with all the financial stuff on our plate at this time. All of this is very discouraging and depressing and is nearly enough to make me shrug my shoulders and just give up on everything, just curl up into a little ball and die. No, don't worry, I'm not thinking about suicide. A good cry from time to time helps, but that's a very short term release and after awhile you run out of tears. It may be just as well that I'm broke because it would probably be time to get good and falling down drunk.

Okay, enough of that! On a lighter note, another submission from the ''Are you f'ing kidding me?!?'' department: It seems that Nancy Pelosi, one of the people that are most responsible for the dems taking the worst electoral pounding in the last 75 years, has decided that her work isn't finished yet and now she wants to be House minority leader in the new Congress!!! This wicked witch evidentally won't be satisfied until the GOP has a super majority in both houses of Congress!!! Why on Earth do the voters keep sending this woman to Washington, anyway?!? Is it to try to keep her away from San Fransisco, or are they all on drugs?!? If the dems actually choose her to continue to lead them after Tuesday's debacle, it would make me seriously doubt their ability to lead this country in the future!

Dani xxx

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Be heard!

Hi, everyone! I'm going to take a minute or two of my time, and yours, to say something that you probably don't need to be reminded of unless you've been living in a cave or under a rock for the last couple of months.

Today is election day, make sure to get out and vote. Leave home earlier and do it on your way to work, do it on your way home tonight, do it at lunch, leave work early, find a ride to the polls, walk if you have to, it's that important! Today's results will effect all of our lives for the next two years and beyond, your future, and the future of the nation is at stake. We only get this chance once every two years to make our voices heard by TPTB, and while they may not listen, as, in fact, our current crop of legislators don't, and there's no guarantee that the next crop will be much better, your voice won't be heard at all if you sit silent. No matter where you stand on the political spectrum, make sure that your voice is heard, get out and vote. The only vote that doesn't count is the one that isn't cast!

Dani xxx

Sunday, October 31, 2010


Today is the day of Samhain, better known as All Hallow's Eve, or Halloween. This is the time that my Irish ancestors believed that the veil that seperates the world of the living from the world of the dead was at it's thinest, and that the dead could cross back into our world at this time. It's pretty easy to see why they would hold such a belief for this time of year. The first frosts of the year had already come and that which belonged to the summer was dead or dying, foreshadowing the coming cold, grey months of winter. On a late October evening, with the pale moon overhead, the chill wind blowing through the skeletal arms of the trees, rustling the dead and dying leaves, the world of the dead seems very close and you can almost feel the spirits in the air. Pretty sharp people, those Irish! :-D

Bonfires were, and still are, common, as is the tradition of wearing masks and costumes, meant to impersonate and placate the spirits. Here in America, this is when children dress up in costumes and go door to door looking for candy and tricksters, usually teens, toilet paper trees, smash pumpkins, soap windows, and egg cars. Adults often get into the act by also dressing in costumes to hand out candy to trick or treaters, going to work on Halloween itself or the last workday before, or to go to various Halloween parties. This day has also come to be known, officially, and somewhat dubiously, as the crossdresser's holiday, as this is the day that provides the best cover story for being out and about en femme. Now, some of you may wonder if I am going to really go all out today to femme it up, to ''Femulate''?


If anything, I'll dress down today, and for most of you the reasons should be obvious. I am not a crossdresser, or rather, I consider myself to be crossdressing when I'm in drab, not en femme. I don't want to be seen as wearing a costume, this is who I am, I'm not playing some cute Halloween dress up game. I also don't have any special plans for tonight. No costume parties or any other such thing is on my schedule, if there were, I'd consider dressing as Morticia Addams, Elvira, or something equally creepy and gothic, which would be a costume. The last reason is that I already push the envelope to the far edge of androgeny, almost to overtly femme. Now, mind you, I don't think that what I am is a very well kept secret, and, in fact, I haven't tried to keep it one. Those closest to me know that I'm trans, but others that I interact with regularly, while I'm pretty sure that they suspect something, don't have anything to confirm or deny their suspisions and, for the moment, I intend to keep it that way. I'm not quite ready to give these people an ''AH,HA!'' moment.

If you are using this day as cover to crossdress, be my guest, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Enjoy yourself and have fun with it, but I won't be joining you.


Dani xxx

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Goodbye, Veronica

Please excuse me if this post isn't totally coherent, I'm trying to write it through my tears. I had a different post for today, one that I'm pretty sure will provoke some thought. That intention went out the window after read Veronica's last post to her blog. I'll put it up eventually, just not now.

Her's was the very first blog that I found when I was seeking out others like myself on the internet, way back shortly after she first started, when she still called it ''TransCanada''. I've followed her story ever since. It was through her blog that I found Lori D's blog, and then T-Central and all of you. Without Veronica, I wouldn't even be here today! I will miss her deeply, her words have guided me through some very dark times and continue to inspire me. I am truly greatful that she chose to share her journey to womanhood with all of us and I'm glad that she will leave her words as a guiding light through the darkness for those who come after.

I've had the deep, sinking feeling for awhile now that she would be making this move soon, as her story of transition was reaching it's end. But I'm also happy for her, as she has reached the end and has achieved that which many of us strive for. She's lead the way, now it's for us to follow. As she is now prepared to spread her wings and fly beyond this little corner of Blogistan I'm sure that I speak for all of us when I say that I hope that you will continue to stop by our blogs and offer your words to us. I wish you the very best of whatever this life has to offer, you deserve it!


Dani xxx

Friday, October 29, 2010

Little boxes

Hi, everyone! Yesterday was a picture perfect Indian Summer day here in NH, warm and sunny, and I got out in the afternoon to enjoy the nice weather with a walk around town, continuing my neverending ''Battle of the Bulge'' Today's supposed to be pretty nice, too, but a bit cooler, so I'll probably do that again this afternoon...and, now to Rick, at our sports desk! :-D

I'm going to talk a bit more about an issue that I commented on at LeAnne's ''The Lighter side of being Transgender'' blog. Those annoying little ''M'' or ''F'' boxes that seem to appear on nearly every piece of paperwork that lands in our lap. I think that these little boxes are a bit like Tribbles, they seem to be born pregnant and do little more than breed more little boxes! :-D All kidding aside, at the very instant that we're born, we're inspected, catagorized, and arbitrarily placed inside a little box that says either ''M'' or ''F''. If your box was ''F'' you got the pink blanket, if it was ''M'' you got the blue one. In years past, those who's genitalia were in some way uncertain were subjected to horrifying surgical intervention to make them fit into one of those boxes, and in that, we in the trans community have been much more fortunate than our intersex brothers and sisters.

After birth, these little boxes take on a life of their own and multiply exponentially as the years go by. Medical records, school records, driver's license, marriage certificate, on and on ad infinitum, and these little boxes are immortal, they follow us even beyond the grave! Now, some would like to see other boxes added to the standard ''M'' or ''F'' to give other choices to those who's gender is in flux or those who don't identify as either gender, but I take the opposite approach. I'd like to see those little boxes done away with entirely! IMHO, those little boxes are little more than bureaucratic voyurisim, only about one step better than being a Peeping Tom! I see no reason why some pencil pusher at the DMV needs to know what's between my legs, I don't plan on being intimate with them! In any event, these boxes are, in most cases, unnessisairy, if your legal name is Jane, for example, and you're wearing a skirt, chances are that you identify yourself as female!

Okay, on a lighter note, from the ''Are you f'ing kidding me?!!'' department: A man who worked for McDonald's in Brazil for 10 years won a 65 thousand, that's right, THOUSAND!, dollar settlement in court because he gained 65 pounds while he worked there! This latest jaw-dropping denial of personal responsibility is truly astounding! It sounds like a ruling that would come out of the 9th circut court of appeals! Idiots like this is why we have ''CAUTION, CONTENTS MAY BE HOT'' stamped on styrofoam coffee cups!

Gee, I wonder if I can sue Anheuser-Bush? :-D

Dani xxx

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I'm invited!

Hi, everyone! Alright, enough with politics for a few days, at least the ''D'' and ''R'' sort that masquerades as an effective gov't! :-D I think that I've caught up after being away from the web again! I've had something on my mind for awhile now, I'd actually meant to post about this over a week ago, but I got sidetracked and hadn't gotten to it until now.

A couple of weeks ago when I was checking my emails I was delighted to see that I had recieved an invitation to a private blog that's written by a person who's been pretty well known in this corner of Blogistan. I had stumbled onto her blog back when it was still public and I had always looked forward to what she had to say, as many of her life situations have paralels to my own life and I found her words both comforting and helpful in dealing with my own situation. She, of course, knew none of this at the time because this was back in my lurking days and I hadn't even joined Blogger yet. Then, suddenly, she was gone.

She has since explained to me in an email that going private was something that she hadn't wanted to do and that, in fact, it has cost her many followers, but to avoid trouble in her personal life that she'd had no choice. I understand her reasons and I have to agree. We all eventually have to come out of cyberspace and deal with meatspace and anything from here which may cause us grief in the real world must be dealt with aggresively. Some of us live in delicate situations with spouses, parents, and others and the utmost care must be taken. In this world that we live in everything that we do on the internet has the potential to follow us for years, if not forever.

This has made me ask myself if I would ever take my blog private or discontinue it entirely. I don't know. I've been pretty careful on the internet, so, so far, this isn't an issue that I've been too concerned about. I haven't left very big footprints in cyberspace. I don't use my last name here and I have, what I consider, a secondary email account for all of my non-trans stuff. My male name isn't all that Googleable, so making any connection to my activities online, while maybe not impossible, would probably be very difficult. I'm already private in that people that I know in the real world aren't too likely to find my blog unless they know where to look, and most don't. That being said, if it ever started causing me problems I'd have to consider going private or discontinuing.

I do find it very sad when someone has to go private or discontinue their blogs because the community becomes poorer when voices fall silent or can't be heard anymore and their unique stories are lost. I consider myself fortunate to have found her blog before it went private and I'm very happy that she was finally able to contact me and welcome me back to the club so that I can resume following the continuing story of this wonderful, witty woman. Sadly, future lurkers won't be able to, and I consider that to be a great loss for them.

Dani xxx

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Normally, I answer comments to my posts in my comment section, in fact, I still have comments from Fri. post to answer, please bear with me, I'll get to it eventually! :-D The comments on the ''Shooting Sacred Cows'' post from yesterday, however, perhaps deserves a follow up post to best answer.

Yes, I'm frustrated, in fact, I'm mad as hell! The Dems have missed the best, and probably the only chance that they'll have for a very, very long time to actually accomplish anything meaningful that will make a long term difference in the lives of the American people, in general, and the GBLT, in particular.

After Nov. 2, the Dems will, most likely, be in the political wilderness for at least the next generation as they're expected to experience historic losses that will make 1994 seem like nothing. At this point, it's a sure thing that they'll lose the House, and they may even loose the Senate. This means that we can forget all about ENDA, DADT, and DOMA, none of these will EVER pass in a GOP congress.

The blue dogs unquestionably threw a few monkey wrenches into the gears, but if there were someone in the White House with some leadership skills it may have been possible to do a better job of bringing them onboard. Reagan and Clinton achieved much of what they wanted working with a Congress that was run by the opposite party, one could've expected better from a Congress that's run by the same party as the POTUS. In any event, O is now irrelevant, it may as well be Homer Simpson sitting in the Oval Office for the next 2 years. He spent all of his political capital on health care and bailouts and has none left. He's already a lame duck and unless, by some miracle, everything turns around and we're going gangbusters, he's probably a dead duck in 2012, he's said as much himself.

I'm not laying all the blame on Obama, that wouldn't be fair. A lot of our current problems began back in the 90's under Clinton with NAFTA, outsourcing our manufacturing base, and the loosening of financial regs, and from there the GOP made matters worse. Enter the military industrial complex, who's profits had taken a hit since the end of the cold war and needed a little war to prop up their bottom line and all the while Wall St. was throwing around millions of dollars to buy both parties so that the good times kept rolling. Combine all of that with years of D.C. pols spending taxpayer money like drunken sailors and you have a perfect storm. Blood on all their hands and a pox on all their houses!

The very LAST thing that I want to see is a return to power of the big spending, big government Republicans of the last 10 years, but that's probably what's happening. I think that the best that can be hoped for is that they've learned their lesson after being spanked in 06 and 08, but I don't have any real faith in that. I'd also like to think that the Dems will wake up and smell the coffee after the beating they're going to take this year and, quite possibly, in 2012, but I don't have much faith in that, either. What I'd really like to see is a good, viable 3rd party with some common sense, but the way that the American political system is built it would take some people with some VERY deep pockets and a hell of a lot of grassroots support!

Dani xxx

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Shooting Sacred Cows

Okay, I've tried, I've really, REALLY tried! I've tried to avoid shooting what some in the community may consider sacred cows, but I just can't remain silent about this any longer! Anyone who has no interest in a somewhat long, drawn out, political rant may want to take a pass on this post.

In the interest of full disclosure I could perhaps be best described politicaly as an independent liberal conservative libertarian. None of the parties fit what I want, so every 2 years I have to make an agonizing compromise to decide who I'm going to vote for. Yesterday, Helen Boyd, whom I have the deepest respect for, asked the question ''Why Dems?'', which is the same question that I've been asking myself. To answer this question, I have to ask myself ''Am I better off now than I was 2 years ago?'', and, sadly, my answer to that is a resounding ''NO!''. 2 years ago I had a job, today I don't, 2 years ago my bills were up to date, today they're not, 2 years ago I wasn't rich, but I lived pretty well and I always had at least some money, today I don't, 2 years ago my plans were made and my transition was moving forward, today, my transition is stalled exactly where it was 2 years ago. Needless to say, this hopey changey thing hasn't worked out too well for me!

Rather than do the one thing that EVERYONE wanted the Dems to do, FIX THE DAMN ECONOMY, they chose to dither around for OVER A YEAR on a so-called ''Health Care Reform'' that will do nothing to help anyone, trans or otherwise, even if it survives the present court challenges intact, which I doubt. The repeal of DADT, promised 2 years ago, was shot down, the long awaited ENDA is stuck in commitee, and repeal of the DOMA isn't even on the radar. All of these things could have been done anytime after Al Franken took office because the dems had a SUPER MAJORITY and the GOP couldn't stop them! All 3 will remain a ''goddamn pipe dream'' after January as none of them will see the light of day for at least the next generation!

I honestly think that some in the GBLT must have something similar to Battered Spouse Syndrome! The Dems promise us the moon long enough to get our money and votes, and then promptly forget or ignore those promises until the next election cycle, when they tell us that it'll all be different this time. Wash, rinse, repeat. And the GBLT fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME! Barney Frank, the very picture of a rich, white, gay male, would love nothing better than for poor gays and lesbians of color, and all trans, to crawl back into the closet, shut the door, and shut up. The Dem party is NOT our friends or our allies! Say what you will about the GOP, and there's plenty to say, you've got to at least respect them for their honesty. They don't like us, they don't support us, and they don't blow smoke up our asses telling us otherwise.

DADT, ENDA, DOMA, health care, and the economy are just the begining of the massive incompetence that the Dems have shown! There's also cap and trade, which, if ever passed, will make utility costs skyrocket and will finish the job of destroying the US economy, the gross mismanagement of the Gulf oil spill, the failure to defend our southern border, and the foreign policy blunders which has weakened America, emboldened our enemies, and harmed our friends. The only thing that they seem to have actually done right is withdrawing from Iraq, but, PLEASE, don't tell them that or they'll find a way to screw that up, too!

Now, don't misunderstand me, I don't like the GOP either! True conservatisim left that party long ago and I doubt that those clowns can drive the clown car in the D.C. circus any better than the clowns who are driving it now, but at this point they couldn't possibly do much worse!

Dani xxx

Friday, October 22, 2010

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Sorry, I just couldn't resist using that for a title! :-D

Just a short post about a very long subject. today I was engaged in the mundane, time consuming, annoying, and all too regular task of body hair removal and I thought, for the millionth time ''There's GOT to be a better way!''.

Yes, I know, laser, but that tends to be expensive and while it needs to be done sooner or later it's just not happening now. I've tried epilating but that's more time consuming than shaving and you never seem to get all of the hair. Nair NEVER works unless you leave it on long enough for a really nice chemical burn. Waxing works but you've got to let the hair grow out, as you do with all of the above, and OWWW!

Jill Paige had a post yesterday that mentioned Vaniqa, I know that's just for the face, but I think I'll look into that some more, every little bit helps! I've also seen infomercials about the No No hair removal system, that may be worth finding out more about. Supposedly, it uses a thermal tip to crystalize the hair and you don't even need to let it grow out! Oh, well, in the meanwhile, I guess I'll just have to buy more blades!

Dani xxx

Thursday, October 21, 2010

An unexpected visit

Hi, everybody! It's been a busy few days here at Casa del Dani and yesterday was the first chance I've had to get online since Sunday. It's amazing how quickly you can fall behind on blogs that you regularly follow if you're away for a couple of days but I think that I've finally caught up.

My stepson and his wife went back on the road yesterday morning after visiting with us here for the last couple of days. This visit came as a sudden but pleasant suprise to us, they live quite a ways away from us and although his job sometimes brings him near where we live it's not very often that he can shoe horn a visit into his schedule. The last time that we'd seen them was back in March, and we probably won't see them again this year.

One of the topics of discussion was, as usual, our moving down where they live. They've done pretty well for themselves since they've been there. From what we've been told there are decent jobs, rents are cheap and people are friendly, but...

And there always is a but isn't there?!?

But the state in question is known for being racist, homophobic, transphobic, backward, closed minded, evangelical, bible belt. Probably one of the worst places that you could ever attempt to transition. The odds are pretty good that transitioning there would land me on next year's TDOR list! Whatever other medical/psycological issues that I may have, such as depression, social anxiety, and of course GID, a martyr complex isn't one of them!

I know that in the end I may have to leave NH to find a better future but I doubt it's in that place. I don't think I'm moving there anytime soon.

Dani xxx

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Hi, everybody! Yes, I was up early again today but after I got all of the frustration and sadness out of me yesterday I had a pretty good night's sleep last night and I'm feeling a little better now. Thank you so much for your kind words and support, I love you all! :-D

Amy K put up a new post the other day, if you haven't read it yet, check it out. In her heartfelt letter to her mother Amy writes, about us, ''They live day to day lives, and you've probably seen some of them and never thought a thing about them. The same way that people may look my way on the street when I'm walking the kids to school, or in a store shopping.'' and she's right. The general public, going about their daily business tends, for the most part, to either not notice us, or not care. They've got places to go and things to do and they see a hundred faces a day.

We, however, seem to have this heightened sense of awareness that I've heard called ''Trannydar''. This is, to a certain extent, a defense mechanism. When you're trans, especially if you don't ''pass'' well, you need to be constantly aware of your surroundings for your own safty. Another effect of this ''Trannydar'' is that often times we can tell if someone is trans just by looking at them. I believe that although there are many more of us out there than anyone realizes, that we are still a pretty small minority and we are always on the lookout for others like us.

I've recently had one of these ''Trannydar'' experiences. It's not the first time that this has happened, it actually happens more often than you'd think considering where I live, usually every couple of months or so. Now before I go on, I know, I know, Wal-Mart bad, and besides, the shoe selection sucks but, hey, I'm on a fixed income, okay?!? But I digress.

About a month ago I was doing some shopping at Wal-Mart and I went over to the cosmetics section to get some new eyeliner. When I walked into the isle I came face to face with an attractive woman who was probably in her mid-late 30's. She was perfectly dressed for a day at the office, which is perhaps where she had been, in a nice pencil skirt, a matching blazer, a pale pink blouse, and a pair of kitten heels. She was tall, very tall, about 6'2'' or 6'3'', solidly built, a bit too solid for a GG, and her jaw was perhaps a bit too square, but a good looking woman all the same. I was almost certain that she was trans. What to do? Blustering on by felt wrong, I wanted to give her some kind of aknowledgement, but you don't run up to someone and say ''Hi, you're trans, aren't you? I love your blouse, where did you get it?''. I opted for a slight smile and a nod of my head and went about my business. I felt that if she were trans she may take that to mean ''I know, I am too, have a nice day.'' I was in my normal, somewhat androgynous presentation that day, so reading me wouldn't have been too hard for someone ''In the know'', if I was wrong and she actually was a GG, it was a brief, non verbal way to say ''Hi''. A win-win either way!

Dani xxx

Friday, October 15, 2010

Chasing Morpheus

I was up early...again. Now this isn't anything that's unusual for me, I've always been something of an early riser and I feel that the early morning hours, just before dawn, when the world is quiet, is the best time of the day. This is the time when I sit in the dark quietly drinking my coffee and gathering my thoughts for the coming day. Nearly all of the jobs that I've worked at in the last 25 years involved me being awake early. When I was still working construction I often had to be on the job site by 4:30 AM. I've been unemployed for a while now and haven't had to get up quite that early so you'd think that I'd be able to sleep later than 4AM when I was awake until 11:30 PM, right?


Sleep hasn't come easily to me for a while now. I can't remember the last time that I got 8 uninterupted hours of it. I'll be draging ass all day today and the fact that it's raining here now, and is going to all day, will make matters even worse. I know that the reason for my sleep deprivation is all the stress that I'm under right now with the bills piling up and the lack of money to pay them all with. I know that I should try to put all of that out of my head when I go to bed at night but that's easier said than done. I've been reluctant to use OTC sleep aids up to this point but this is getting ridiculous! 4 1/2 hrs. just doesn't cut it!

The job hunting situation is unchanged, that is to say that there simply are no jobs, at least none that I'm qualified for. I have scores of applications out there but absolutely no one is hiring in either the construction or manufacturing fields that I'm qualified in. My search branched off from that into other fields long ago but unfortunately that puts me up against other applicants who are more qualified fos the job than I am and the odds of my being hired over any of them are pretty slim.

All of this is also putting my wife under a great deal of stress while her's is the only income and we struggle to keep the house afloat on limited funds. She's doing the best that she can in a bad situation and has shown a huge amount of grace under pressure but it's a great strain on her emotionally and I know that the very LAST thing that she wants to deal with right now is my GID so I've made efforts to let it be for the time. The disphoria rages on, however, as it always does. It's pretty hard to ignore it when the girl is screaming at you! All of our other problems right now have brought my transition to an absolute standstill. I feel kind of like the Coyote in the old Road Runner cartoon, you know, the one where the Coyote gets his feet stuck in the Acme glue and he can't get out of the way before the truck hits him?!? I can't go forward and I can't, I WON'T, go back! Wait! What's that sound? I sure hope that isn't a truck coming!

I'm sorry abovt the negative post today, I hope that I didn't bring everyone down. I'll try to post something more positive next time

Dani xxx

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


No, not in my head, I'll talk about that some other day! :-D The voices that I mean are the voices here in Blogistan. One of those voices is Gin's. This post began as a comment at her blog but kept growing like Jabba the Hut on an all chocolate diet and was achieving truly monstorous proportions. Thanks for the idea, hun! :-D Another voice is Halle's I showed my support for her yesterday at her blog and I'm doing so again here today. That she thought that she was any less trans than any of us because she hasn't transitioned and that she thought that she wasn't qualified to comment at our blogs truly hurts my heart.

We are a community who are seperated by age, race, religion, education, occupation, distance, nations, and even languages but are joined by the core reality of who we are. While our lives are all different we all finally reached the point where we reached out to each other over the internet to find a connection to others like us.

I've noticed in the time that I've been here that although we have people here who are from large cities like NY a great many of us are in places where we are somewhat isolated from others like us. The internet has been a godsend for those of us who would otherwise be living life in almost total isolation as we were before the internet when information was hard to come by and connections to others was almost impossible.

Every voice counts! Every story counts! Every opinion counts! Those who are telling their stories and giving their opinions are helping all of us now and are helping those who will tell their stories tomorrow!

Dani xxx

Monday, October 11, 2010

Holiday wishes and coming out

I would like to take this time to wish all of our friends in The Great White North a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope this day finds you safe and happy celebrating this day with your loved ones. Those of us who live south of the 48th paralell get our turn next month! I've always wondered, does CBC show hockey games on your turkey day the way that US tv shows football on ours?

Here in the US today is Columbus Day, which I don't imagine is really any cause for celebration if you're Native American but does give you a long weekend if you work for fed or state gov't.

Today is also National Coming Out Day, at least it is in the US, I'm not sure about Canada or elsewhere. I've noticed that there have been quite a few posts about coming out lately so I'm not going to spend a lot of time on the subject. I'm not an activist, I don't ever intend to be, I just want to live my life in peace as who I am. That being said, I don't know what the future holds in store for me, none of us do, fate is kind of funny that way. I'm out to most of my immediate family and friends but not to society in general. I'm not keeping it a deep, dark secret and if asked I'll tell you but I don't feel the need to run up to random strangers on the street and tell them all about myself, either. Okay, 'nuff said.

I'll finish by saying that I hope everyone has a safe and happy day whether you're in Canada, the US, the UK, Ireland, or anywhere else in this world!

Dani xxx

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A problem fixed, an unexpected affirmation, and autumn

Hi, everyone! As per Melissa's suggestion I reset my comments section from Blogger's default yesterday. I would encourage anyone who hasn't done so yet to do so.
Yesterday afternoon my wife and I had some shopping to do so we went to a strip mall in one of the larger communities near where we live. While we were there we also decided to look around in some of the other stores there, including a well known women's clothing store. Now keep in mind that my presentation was in keeping with what would be considered Saturday casual. Jeans and t-shirt, sneekers, earrings, no necklace, no rings or bracelets, no makeup, and only clear nail hardener, hair pulled back in a pony tail. We walk into the women's store that I mentioned and the sales girl behind the counter says ''Good afternoon, ladies, can I help you?'' :-D I love it when that happens! I was walking on air for the rest of the day!
The weather has turned quite chilly here in the last few days, autumn has finally arrived in New England! It's been suggested that I should take some folliage pictures and post them here, and I will do that if I can figure out how! I'm on a learning curve so please bear with me!
Well, I'm going to go cook breakfast now, I'm thinking French Toast with lots of Mapley goodness! :-D

Dani xxx

Friday, October 8, 2010

A big hug and a thank you!

I've been so frustrated by what I thought was the apparent inability of anyone being able to see my posts that I totally unpluged and took some Dani down time today.
I had originally decided that I would check in on this blog tomorrow but later changed my mind on a whim and decided to check it just before bed. After all, changing your mind is a woman's perogitive, isn't it?
And, low and behold, someone other than me left a couple of comments!
I'm sending you a big transatlantic hug, Caroline! Thank you so much for your kind comments and thank you for joining my ever growing list of followers, I think that I have 3 now! Someday I'll figure out how join followers lists from this phone!
If all's gone well everyone should be able to see me now!
Well, It's getting late here, I'm going to bed!

Dani XXX

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hello, is there anybody in there?

To paraphrase Pink Floyd ''Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?''
I'm pretty sure that my posting problems are that I need to set my blog feeds. I'm not sure that anyone's even seeing my blog! If you are but can't post comments email me at!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

WTF am I doing wrong?

Okay, something's wrong! Calie said that my blog's now listed at T-Central but none of my posts seem to be appearing there! I think that I've got the problem narrowed down to 4 posibilities.
1: Calie hasn't actually had the chance to list me yet- posibile but unlikely.
2: I gave her the wrong URL- I don't think so, I've checked it 3 times, but maybe.
3: There's something that I need to do on my end- there's a real good chance of that, I'm real new at this bloggy thingy and I'm about as tech savy as Wilma Flintstone!
4: Blogger's screwing up again- that really wouldn't be a suprise!
It also appears that I can't post comments on my own damm blog!!! Evidentally the comment section isn't formated for my phone! I think I see a more user friendly reformating coming soon! I need a computer SO bad, this is really pissing me off!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I'm on the T!!!

Just a short post to say thank you so much, Calie! I'm truly honored to have my voice join the ever growing chorus at T-Central!

My opinion...for what it's worth

I'm taking a brief pause from my backstory to address something that I said in that post.
The issue of defining oneself and others in the CD/TG/TS community is one that rarely fails to see virtual inkwells fly, whistles blow, and tempers flair. For some reason Humans seem to be hardwired with the need to catagorize ourselves and place everyone inside neat little boxes, these boxes rarely fit, though. I tend to identify as HUMAN because I don't feel that I meet the criteria to describe myself as a meat popsicle! Sadly, that description isn't enough and more is required.
My own definitions are for my own purpose and are in no way any attempt to catogorize anyone but myself or to push any kind of political agenda. IMHO, CD means that you are driven to dress but are otherwise content with your birth sex and gender. TG means that you are unhappy with your birth sex and gender and are trying to do something about it. This would describe those who are going through counciling and are undergoing HRT but are not currently surgery tracked. TS would describe those who are on HRT and are surgery tracked, or would be if they were able to be. None of these groups are self contained and there is a good deal of grey area in between them, with a fair ammount of shifting back and forth.
By these definitions I consider myself to be Transgender because... well, because I can! You don't get to define me, I reserve that right for myself, and by the same token I don't get the right do define you, either.
Okay, have at it!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Once upon a time....

Well, now that I've introduced myself to you in my first post I guess it's time for the dreaded...wait for it...OBLIGITORY BACKSTORY! OH, NOOO! I know that this is a story that you've probably all lived yourselves and heard about a million times so I'll try to keep it brief and interesting. At the very least I may be creating a non pharmacutical sleeping aid!
Why am I Transgender? That's a question that I've asked myself my whole life and the simple answer is that nobody knows! I was born in the 60's and I know that my mother nearly miscarried me, I also know that DES was commonly used in those days. Am I a DES baby? Sadly, I'll probably never know. My mother passed away many years ago so I can't ask her.
Anyway, I knew that I was different as far back as I can remember. One of my earliest memories was getting caught in the bathroom with my mom's lipstick, for which I caught holy hell! None of that stopped me, though! It just forced me into the closet and to get creative, which got easier as I grew older and got left home alone more often. I was an only child and as I approached my teens it was quite easy to find time to dressed. I would raid my mom's closet and wear her clothes for a couple of hours then quickly change before anyone would come home. I even made ny own artificial nails!
I was never all that popular in school when I was younger and was always called gay, fag, queer etc. and for years I thought that I must be because everyone thought so! When I was in my mid teens and we moved to a different town I was determined to make a fresh start so I swung to the classic ubermasculine overcompensation but the dressing still never stopped.
Whew! this is going to be a long one! I guess I'll have to break this story into at least two parts!

A long time coming....the first post!

Hello Blogistan! My name is Danielle, Dani for short. Some of you may know of me from comments that I've posted on your blogs but I undoubtably know of all of you far better since I've been lurking on the boards for the last 3 years.
It's really all Veronica's fault that I'm here! :-D If you're reading, hi, hun, and thanx! I stumbled onto her blog back in 07 and through hers found Lori D's now defunct blog: I really miss you, hun, I hope you're doing well! Through Lori's blog I found T-Central and all of you wonderful people and from there the rest, as they say, is history!
I want all of you to know just how much it means to me to be able to follow your stories and know that I'm truly not alone! Just because I'm not on the followers list doesn't mean that I'm not following. I'm doing all of this from my phone and I can't check the followers option and I can only comment on Blogger blogs. I would sincerely consider it an honor and a privilage if you followed me on my journey. Don't be afraid to stop in and say hi!