Friday, October 15, 2010

Chasing Morpheus

I was up early...again. Now this isn't anything that's unusual for me, I've always been something of an early riser and I feel that the early morning hours, just before dawn, when the world is quiet, is the best time of the day. This is the time when I sit in the dark quietly drinking my coffee and gathering my thoughts for the coming day. Nearly all of the jobs that I've worked at in the last 25 years involved me being awake early. When I was still working construction I often had to be on the job site by 4:30 AM. I've been unemployed for a while now and haven't had to get up quite that early so you'd think that I'd be able to sleep later than 4AM when I was awake until 11:30 PM, right?


Sleep hasn't come easily to me for a while now. I can't remember the last time that I got 8 uninterupted hours of it. I'll be draging ass all day today and the fact that it's raining here now, and is going to all day, will make matters even worse. I know that the reason for my sleep deprivation is all the stress that I'm under right now with the bills piling up and the lack of money to pay them all with. I know that I should try to put all of that out of my head when I go to bed at night but that's easier said than done. I've been reluctant to use OTC sleep aids up to this point but this is getting ridiculous! 4 1/2 hrs. just doesn't cut it!

The job hunting situation is unchanged, that is to say that there simply are no jobs, at least none that I'm qualified for. I have scores of applications out there but absolutely no one is hiring in either the construction or manufacturing fields that I'm qualified in. My search branched off from that into other fields long ago but unfortunately that puts me up against other applicants who are more qualified fos the job than I am and the odds of my being hired over any of them are pretty slim.

All of this is also putting my wife under a great deal of stress while her's is the only income and we struggle to keep the house afloat on limited funds. She's doing the best that she can in a bad situation and has shown a huge amount of grace under pressure but it's a great strain on her emotionally and I know that the very LAST thing that she wants to deal with right now is my GID so I've made efforts to let it be for the time. The disphoria rages on, however, as it always does. It's pretty hard to ignore it when the girl is screaming at you! All of our other problems right now have brought my transition to an absolute standstill. I feel kind of like the Coyote in the old Road Runner cartoon, you know, the one where the Coyote gets his feet stuck in the Acme glue and he can't get out of the way before the truck hits him?!? I can't go forward and I can't, I WON'T, go back! Wait! What's that sound? I sure hope that isn't a truck coming!

I'm sorry abovt the negative post today, I hope that I didn't bring everyone down. I'll try to post something more positive next time

Dani xxx


Gin said...

Hey Dani,

So here's something to pick you up...

You have to sleep late when you can.


Melissa said...


I had to get up early every morning when I was working, in order to make the hour long commute, and get to work by 6 AM. It was always hard for me, because I am not a morning person. I would drive down the interstate on auto-pilot. Now that I'm retired, I stay up late and sleep late. I rarely sleep more than 6-7 hours in a stretch. Usually it's more like 5-6 hours. I've found that a couple of Benadryl tablets on nights when I can't sleep, help calm my mind and make drowsy enough to fall asleep.

I don't know what to say about the job situation. This is the worst it's been since the Great Depression, and ironically as much as they whine about it, many citizens seem to be dead set against the government doing anything to get people back to work. The private sector certainly doesn't show a willingness to do anything about it. Now that businesses have gotten used to getting more work out of fewer people, they are very reluctant to take on more workers again. It's great for them, but horrible for the people who have to work extended hours to take up the slack, and especially bad for those who lost their jobs and can't find another. I'm afraid this is going to become a permanent situation. The last time we were in this situation, it took a world war to get us out. The trouble is, businesses have shifted so much of our manufacturing base overseas, in a quest for cheap labor, and lax environmental, and employee health and safety regulations, that I don't think even another world war could bring back a thriving manufacturing economy.

My heart goes out to you, but I'm afraid that all I can do is wish you luck.

Melissa XX

Dani said...

@ Gin: I try, I try! I'm not sure why, probably because I'm so use to getting up early, my eyes just kind of snap right open anytime from 3:30-5:00 AM no matter how late I go to bed. I try to go to bed by 10:00 PM so I get a halfway decent night's sleep but stressed like I have been I sometimes toss and turn for an hour or two. I can't stream video on my phone but was able to use a friend's computer. Thank you, Gin!

@ Melissa: I can function pretty well on 6 hrs., It's this 4-4 1/2 hr business that's killing me. I lost any faith that I ever had in this gov't doing anything right a long time ago. It doesn't seem to matter who's running things, we all keep getting the short end of the stick. Sadly, I think that you may be right about the job situation, this could be the new norm. This is one time that I wish that I was a teen again, or retired. At 45, I'm the wrong age at the wrong time. I've thought that going back to school may be a good solution, long term, but that doesn't address the problems now. I think that I may have to try your benadryl idea. Thank you, Melissa!

Dani xxx

Leslie Ann said...

Don't apologize for posting downer posts, Dani. We all need to vent, some more than others. Writing down the thoughts in my head helps me to sleep. Once committed to paper or hard drive, I feel more able to let them go. That is why I started a blog. The thoughts had to go somewhere.

Dani said...

Hi, Leslie! You're right, of course. Once I got all of that frustratiom and sadness out of me I started to feel a little better. Thank you!

Dani xxx

Amy K. said...

"It's hard to ignore it when the girl is screaming at you!" That's a great way of putting it. Funny, yet so fitting. Here's hoping for the day that the girl can giggle rather than scream.

Don't worry about the negative posts. I can relate, and it's your blog, to write whatever you want, or need to. :)