Chasing Morpheus

I was up early...again. Now this isn't anything that's unusual for me, I've always been something of an early riser and I feel that the early morning hours, just before dawn, when the world is quiet, is the best time of the day. This is the time when I sit in the dark quietly drinking my coffee and gathering my thoughts for the coming day. Nearly all of the jobs that I've worked at in the last 25 years involved me being awake early. When I was still working construction I often had to be on the job site by 4:30 AM. I've been unemployed for a while now and haven't had to get up quite that early so you'd think that I'd be able to sleep later than 4AM when I was awake until 11:30 PM, right?


Nope.


Sleep hasn't come easily to me for a while now. I can't remember the last time that I got 8 uninterupted hours of it. I'll be draging ass all day today and the fact that it's raining here now, and is going to all day, will make matters even worse. I know that the reason for my sleep deprivation is all the stress that I'm under right now with the bills piling up and the lack of money to pay them all with. I know that I should try to put all of that out of my head when I go to bed at night but that's easier said than done. I've been reluctant to use OTC sleep aids up to this point but this is getting ridiculous! 4 1/2 hrs. just doesn't cut it!


The job hunting situation is unchanged, that is to say that there simply are no jobs, at least none that I'm qualified for. I have scores of applications out there but absolutely no one is hiring in either the construction or manufacturing fields that I'm qualified in. My search branched off from that into other fields long ago but unfortunately that puts me up against other applicants who are more qualified fos the job than I am and the odds of my being hired over any of them are pretty slim.


All of this is also putting my wife under a great deal of stress while her's is the only income and we struggle to keep the house afloat on limited funds. She's doing the best that she can in a bad situation and has shown a huge amount of grace under pressure but it's a great strain on her emotionally and I know that the very LAST thing that she wants to deal with right now is my GID so I've made efforts to let it be for the time. The disphoria rages on, however, as it always does. It's pretty hard to ignore it when the girl is screaming at you! All of our other problems right now have brought my transition to an absolute standstill. I feel kind of like the Coyote in the old Road Runner cartoon, you know, the one where the Coyote gets his feet stuck in the Acme glue and he can't get out of the way before the truck hits him?!? I can't go forward and I can't, I WON'T, go back! Wait! What's that sound? I sure hope that isn't a truck coming!


I'm sorry abovt the negative post today, I hope that I didn't bring everyone down. I'll try to post something more positive next time


Dani xxx